Bowl of Self-Esteem

I got married on Saturday, August 15th. And it was an absolute blast. It was everything I hoped it would be. Namely, my sisters sang with pretend microphones all night and when it was over I didn't drive Tom home. Mission accomplished.

So, married Saturday, dying of some horrible infection on Tuesday. What was it? "In sickness and in health"? 90% of our marriage thus far has been the sickness part. I blame the air conditioner. Before I moved to Massachusetts 2 years ago, my future landlady (and unbeknownst to me, archnemesis) called and said that her current tenant had an air conditioner that she wouldn't need in her next apartment. I could purchase it from her at a discount. At the time I was living in Alabama in July and an air conditioner sounded like the best idea ever.

So, I bought it. Moved here and realized that my apartment stayed 20 degrees cooler than the rest of the world. Which was great in the summer. Pretty miserable in the winter. But that's beside the point. We took the unit out of the window when cold air started coming in, and it sat in the closet ever after. 2 years. Bottom of the closet. Never cleaned.

When we got back to our new house (yay new house no landlady woo!) after the wedding, it was 1000 degrees. Really. I used a candy thermometer. So, we put the A/C in the window and cranked that bad boy up. I woke up sounding like a 40 pack year smoker. Hmmm. Maybe I wasn't used to air conditioning. It'll be okay. Used it again the next night, woke up even froggier. And a little sniffly.

Me: "Do window units have air filters or anything on them?"
Tom: "Yeah."
Me: "Did we clean it before we used it?"
Tom: "I don't think so."
Me: "We should probably do that."

Pull out the filter. It is DISGUSTING. It is black with filth. Covered with mold and other particles that I have been breathing for two nights. Awesome. So, we clean it, pop it back in and hope for the best. The next morning I can't breathe. But as the day progresses I feel better and I assume I've caught a cold on top of the horrible allergic reaction that started the week. I do a 24 hour shift, and things go downhill from there. On Thursday I ended up having to get someone to relieve me at work because I was too sick to be on the hospital unit. The nurses were all eyeing me. Hello our patients are already sick, they don't need whatever you have too.

Went home and decided to try to have a bowl of soup to soothe my throat. I went to the cabinet to pull out a bowl, and there was my trusty "Bowl of Self-Esteem." It was a graduation gift from my master's thesis advisor, and it's my favorite bowl because it will hold an entire package of ramen noodles in broth without coming anywhere near spilling. It's a huge bowl. I only use it when I'm sick, but it never fails. When it gets to the point that I'm resorting to ramen, there's the bowl ready to go. I realized for the first time why this is. Because it is the largest, the bowl of self-esteem is always at the bottom of the stack. It's always ready to go when I am at my sickest because at that point, EVERY OTHER DISH AND BOWL THAT I OWN IS DIRTY. When I am sick, my house becomes a sty.

It took me 4 years to figure this out. Before I just assumed it was magical and sensed when it was needed. Because apparently when I am sick I super-anthropomorphize my dishes. Awesome.

So, I finally went to the doctor on Friday where I was dosed with antibiotics and narcotic cough syrup. I slept 12 hours that night and woke up a much happier camper. Completely better now, and the bowl is back at the bottom of the stack where it belongs. Hopefully I can stay well long enough to make it to my honeymoon on Saturday. :)

I Suck at Dy(e)ing

In honor of Easter and nostalgia for my childhood, I've decided to dye eggs this year. So, I went to the grocery store and purchased 2 dozen thinking that maybe Tom's younger siblings would want to come over and help. I bought the eggs I usually buy- vegetarian, cage-free. Because I have a conscience, but primarily because I don't want to die of mad-chicken disease (oh, it's coming people.)

Anybody else see the problem with this?Go ahead, think about it. I'll wait.


Need a hint?
They're brown. I bought 2 dozen BROWN eggs to dye. I'm officially a moron.

My Dreams: The Final Frontier

Lately I've been having a lot of weird dreams. I don't think it's necessarily new, it's more that I've been remembering the dreams on a more regular basis than I ever have before. I'm finding that it's not something I'm really a huge fan of. I'm learning things about myself that I'd rather have continued to deny. Take for example, my dream from 2 nights ago.

I'm at a huge party in a mansion or similarly-sized dwelling. I don't really know anyone there, but I'm drinking and hanging out and there's music, so it's cool. The next song that plays overhead is "Sweet Child of Mine" by Guns and Roses. All of a sudden, the guy sitting next to me stands up and starts playing the guitar. And I mean PLAYING. Because he is Slash. Slash from G&R was sitting right next to me and now he's jamming out while leaning on me and being altogether awesome. So, he plays the entire song and then people start crowding around him because it's Slash and he has a top hat and is altogether the coolest.


I, since the song's conclusion, am totally freaking out that Slash chose to play while making contact w/ my shoulder. So, I go into the next room to tell someone because HELLO SLASH IS TOTALLY AWESOME. I am making my way into the next room and decide to follow a rather tall muscley guy who is cutting a swathe through the crowd. As I'm trying to get past him, I look over and realize that he is not just any tall goateed man. He is Riker. Commander William Riker of the Starship Enterprise. And this is when I realize several of you will be jumping ship on my friendship*. It's okay, I understand. I'm nerdier than even I realized- as the rest of the dream will illustrate.

So, I strike up a conversation with Riker- something along the lines of OMG YOU'RE RIKER! And we walk together into the next room. I had never understood how he was the "ladies man" on the show, but I started to get the gist in my dreams. That is one charming beardy guy. So, we reach our destination and Riker plunks down next to someone else and starts talking. Guess who? That's right- Picard. Also present are the other main characters from Star Trek: TNG. Including Geordi LaForge who is a double-celebrity because who doesn't love Reading Rainbow? Nobody. That's who. So, we're all talking and laughing and I am seriously star-struck. The night finally ends when Checkov (the Russian guy from original Star Trek) walks in soaking wet. Apparently someone had thrown him into the pool. He walked through the room dripping and cursing in Russian (because I speak Russian in my dreams) and we all shared a laugh. Me and my Star Trek friends. And then I woke up in a great mood.

I'm afraid that my fantasy is a Star Trek cast party with a guest performance by Slash.

Life just got a little bit sadder.

* Except C. You know you love some Star Trek. You've probably already had this dream. :-p

A Bug's Life

It really must suck to be an ant. First off, you're an ant. Pretty much everything wants to eat you...or kill you just for existing. Then, you have members of lesser kingdoms trying to take over your body. Harrowing.

Por ejemplo, take cordyceps. It's a fungus! Completely incapable of higher thought. And yet, it can infect the brain of an ant and basically take over its body for its own purposes.


FYI- cordyceps can also infect all kinds of other insects including katydids and caterpillars. I wonder if a human inhaled enough of the spores whether that would have any significant effect on our central nervous system. (Probably not...but if there were enough evolutionary pressure to find a new environment?....hint hint save the rain forests so the bugs can continue to appease the fungus.)

Case 2: A newly discovered nematode causes the abdomen of infected ants to turn red. Why? So they'll look like fruit and become easier for predators to spot, consume, and consequently spread the parasite all over the place.
How creepy is this?!? I'm really not cool with these lower organisms evolving such elegant solutions for the furthering of their species.

It's too bad we haven't come up with anything that impressive to combat the oil crisis, obesity epidemic, or global warming. Hell, we need some kind of parasite to convince half the population these problems even exist.

It's probably easier being an ant.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Today I was cleaning my kitchen, looked down, and said:

"Oh my God, those baseboards are disgusting!"

And cleaned them. This is disturbing for the following reasons:

1. I noticed a baseboard.
2. I cleaned it without being asked to.
3. I felt better afterwards.

It's official- I've become my mother.