Compromise

People ask me how it works that I'm a vegetarian, and my husband is not.


There ya go.

Really Universe?

So this afternoon I went to pick up this hammock stand:

Whaaaaaaaaaaat??!???!!!

From a dude named Cesar that looked a lot like this:

So not kidding. Thank you Craigslist.

So I think we can all agree, my day was going pretty well. And then I drove home.

It's gorgeous out, not as warm as yesterday (86 degrees in April? Yes please.) but definitely nice enough to have the windows down. I have a ton of hair that is easily blown into knots, so I rarely have my window down further than an inch- as was the case today.

So I'm driving with my sunglasses on, I hear something like a rock hitting the windshield, and all of a sudden it feels as though the glasses have moved on my face. You know what happened?

A ROCK CAME IN THROUGH THE 1-INCH CRACK IN THE WINDOW, PLINKED ME IN THE FACE, AND BROKE MY SUNGLASSES!

Look at these things!!! That missing chunk could easily have been my forehead. Or cornea.

Seriously what the hell?! How does that happen?! I couldn't find the assassin rock, or the missing piece of plastic. I guess they both disintegrated. There's an entire windshield for minerals to target, but instead they choose my face. Either this kind of thing happens to everyone and I'm just better with documentation, or there's an entire Kingdom that is out to destroy me. So now I am without sunglasses (AKA much-needed armor for my eyeballs.)

I guess I'll be parking the hammock in the shade.

In Which My Car Was Probably Trying To Tell Me Something

Readers of my previous blog may recall the last time my car made funny noises. It sounded like metal grinding on metal- primarily because that's exactly what had happened. My rotors had exploded and my axle was pretty much just held in place by the will of God. As a solution, I of course drove the car 60 mph for 2 hrs until the wheels almost literally fell off.

So, when my car started making funny noises yesterday...I'm sure you can all guess where this is headed. The car has been making occasional strange noises for a while now, but I just chalked that up to my car being a total piece of crap. Leave well enough alone is my motto, and I had extended it to "Leave well enough alone and the sound of ducks dying is a standard feature in American-made cars." I lead a rich fantasy life. But yesterday the noise became less of an occasional squeak or quack and more of a rubbing that simultaneously tried to pull me off the road. I knew I would have to take it to a mechanic today, but thought I'd be able to make it to my meetings in Boston first. The truck only has 130K miles on it- it'll be fine, right?

Not so much. The view from my windshield quickly became the view from Timmy's windshield...and it really needs cleaning.I made it about 3 miles before the rubbing sound became more akin to the sound of all my car's parts being run through a dryer. It sounded terrible. So I decided to pull over. I applied the brake...applied more brake...sweet Jesus I am braking aren't I?! Before finally grinding to a halt. Needless to say I was a little terrified to drive any further and had to call my friendly roadside assistance provider.

Now my car is sitting outside a mechanic's near my house where they "might" get around to doing a diagnostic today. I have a bad feeling about how much this is going to cost...and how long it's going to take. As Timmy was driving me home I just stared at my pitiful vehicle and thought, "I am never buying American again."

Why I Miss My Family

Because all good holiday pictures should include monocles.Because every year the Christmas tree gets bigger. Seriously- next year they'll have to cut a hole in the roof.Because you send my sisters outside to put up the Nativity scene in the yard, and this happens:Because they make holiday cookies representing "Peace on the Mothership."Because who else's tree features the Christmas germ?Because they're crazy in all the best ways.

Merry Christmas everyone :)

Christmas Time Is Here

Actually Christmastime has been here for about a week or so, but I haven't gotten anything done. This month is pretty much totally hellacious in terms of work obligations...which is the reason that I won't be seeing any of my family members this holiday season. I'm also using it as my excuse for getting none of my holiday shopping done. So far I have purchased....nothing. Not. A. Thing.

Which is too bad because I have a LOT of people to shop for. Luckily I took a trip to NYC a couple months ago and was too lazy to mail the souvenirs I got for my sisters while I was there. So, I plan to re-gift the gifts that I never gave. Sisters' gifts- check. Unfortunately I also have to think of something stellar to give to my boyfriend fiance...since he's already infinitely topped me. He already bought me an immersion blender. Oh...and this bad boy:
Also, I was included in Tom's family gift swap this year. We all drew names...a lot easier to buy a gift for one person than 8. Of course, I couldn't have picked an easy one...can't just buy his younger brother a couple cans of spray paint and tell him to go wild. Nope. Instead I drew Tom's mother. Which is fine...she's a really sweet person and I think I can get her something she'll like. Certainly I can do better than Thanksgiving when I gave her a case of hives. Yup. My cooking gave Tom's mother hives. She was at work scratching herself out of her skin all night. Thanks a lot foodnetwork.com.

And while we're on the topic of Christmas, a local Boston paper recently critiqued the movie "White Christmas" a 1 out of 3 Ho's (as in Ho, Ho, Ho's). They said that it was just another reason for Bing Crosby to sing "White Christmas." Well let me tell you something Boston Metro. "White Christmas" is the greatest holiday movie of all time. There's singing, dancing, romance, a selfless act, snow, and of course BING CROSBY SINGING CHRISTMAS CAROLS! What could be wrong with that? Also, you can't tell me you don't enjoy this song:

Bing Crosby's joke is hilarious.

Anyway...I'm hoping to revive my blog. So, you'll be hearing more from me. Including photos of my parents' 18 ft. Christmas tree (I am so not joking.) Laters!

Olympic Spirit

While I was in Alabama, my sisters invented a new sport.

It all began with the genocide (mass suicide) of the amphibian population in my parents yard. Every day when we go out to swim, my sisters first clean out the pool filters. There are various reasons for this, not the least of which that we have found on separate occasions both a giant rat and a snake in the filters. No one wants to swim in snake-infested waters. So, we check and clean out the filters before we hop in. The first day that we were going to swim in the completely-filled pool, the girls went out to check the filters. They found frogs. Lots of frogs. 17 to be exact. Actually, 19 total- 2 alive, the rest not so much. We're not really sure if it was the pool chemicals or the inability to get out of the water that killed them, but there they were. So, they pulled the filter out, trying to balance the stack of frogs all the way to the fence. What we usually do when we find creatures in the pool, is throw them out into the yard. Far out into the yard because that way they won't be right near the pool smelling bad and attracting more creatures that could fall into the pool and drown. So, we kind of fling them.

Thus "frog-flinging" was born.

Jo would first load the frog up into the catapult:
And then Bear would fling it into the yard:
By the end, she had a whole method. According to Bear, when it comes to frog-flinging, it's all in the legs. She's pretty sure she's going to medal in this event.In the end, all the frogs were dispatched to their final resting place and then we all went swimming.
Tom celebrated by diving headfirst into the part of the pool that's only 5 feet deep. :-p

Vacation!

Tom and I went to Alabama last week on vacation. Alabama in the middle of July?!? What a great idea! Actually, it was a great idea because despite the fact that the week before we arrived, and my parents' pool looked like this:

At least by the time we arrived, it was looking more like this:

And before we left, it was perfect:
So, as you can probably tell, we had a blast. More to follow, including my Mom swearing at a cop, frog-flinging, and an Alabama lobster. In the meantime, feel free to peruse my Flickr album from the vacation :) Laters!

My Funny Valentine

I didn't really do a Valentines post- primarily because I thought I really needed photographic evidence of my Valentine's Day gift. So, on to the recap. The night of Valentine's Day, we decided to stay in because a. dining out on Valentine's Day is a hectic mess and b. Lost was on.

Brief aside: Dude, what the hell is up with that show? It's so FRUSTRATING! You never know what the heck is going on, and I have a hard time caring since I have no idea what's real and what's manufactured. (Yes, I know, none of it's real- it's television, but you know what I mean.) One second you're rooting for someone, the next minute you find out they're some kind of psycho killer...you think someone wants off the island, then they don't. Oh my God just make up your minds! The raft thing wasn't unsuccessful except for the whole kidnapping thing- they should try that again. And Ben. WTF Ben. Who is this guy? Really the longer they drag it out, the less I care because I worry it's not going to pay off in the end. I don't want to set myself up for disappointment. Okay...that's enough.

So, Valentine's Day we get to my house and I immediately pounce on the box that Tom brought. I peel open the top and am greeted with this:














And I promptly scream a little bit because when the light hits it right, that thing's eye looks pretty scary. Tom began to explain that because he got me a giant teddy bear last year, he thought he would continue with that theme. But since last year's bear was the size of an adolescent, he thought that purchasing larger and larger bears would soon lead to him buying me a house shaped like a bear and really, where do you go from there? So, he decided to go with the next logical choice.














A giant octopus. For Valentine's Day I got a giant octopus.

And on one of his arms was a purse containing "Wordplay" on DVD and a novella by one of the writers of the Simpsons. Tom's sister said it would've been better if instead of a purse there had been a ring on one of those arms- but what am I going to do with an engaged octopus? It was the best Valentine's Day gift ever. My boyfriend is totally weird. But let's face it- that just makes me look cooler. ;)

Oh Christmas Tree

As in, "Oh my God it's falling over again."

Those familiar with my previous blog will remember my family's past Christmas tree follies. Specifically last year's "principle tree" which consisted of my entire family pretending that a tree that looked as though it had the mange was actually quite beautiful- just to punish my father who deliberately chose this specimen so that Mom would cave and let him purchase a tree rather than finding one in a cow pasture. (It's Alabama people- that stuff totally happens.) So last year's wasn't great, and this year was going to be different. Actually it started out not being different- my mother and I initially climbed into my Dad's 1995 Chevy AstroVan with a saw and two pairs of gloves and headed for my grandparent's pasture. However, logic prevailed and rather than let my grandfather sit in a chair unbuckled driving through a pasture to find a cedar tree that would invariably die prior to Christmas, we decided to drive to Home Depot and buy a tree.

Behold! The glorious store-bought tree!

This tree was magnificent. Much shorter than the trees of the past (topping out at a measily 8-9 feet rather than our customary 12 ft. and wired to the rafters.) But it was full...and with the childhood ornaments of 5 kids, fullness is a plus. We loaded this tree down- every square inch has something hanging- and it looked great. I think it was the prettiest tree we've ever had. Of course, about 24 hours later, everyone heard a crash and half the ornaments were gone and the entire tree was on the floor. So now, the tree is redecorated with a minor addition. There's now a giant rope tying the tree to the fireplace. But Jo hung some stockings along the rope, so at least it looks festively tacky :-p Unfortunately there are no pictures of the tree's McGyver-esque support. However, there are plenty of pictures of the rest of the evening's festivities. Including the traditional hanging of the "Christmas Germ", the decorating of Bear the Christmas Tree, and a visit from Santa.
You can see them all on my flickr set. Merry Christmas!

The Surprise

Sorry I've been MIA from the blog for pretty much the entire month. You see, I had a big surprise. A little over a week ago, my Dad called me.

Dad: "Your mother needs a vacation, I need a vacation, I'm sending her to come see you."
Me: "Great!"
Thinking I haven't seen my family in 3 months, it would be cool if they came to visit.
Me: "When are they coming?"
Dad: "How about Saturday?"
It's Thursday.
Me: "This Saturday?"
Dad: "Sure."
Me: "Dad, it's Thursday. Tickets are going to be wicked expensive, I'm on call at work almost every day next week, and I have to spend a day in New Hampshire at a conference."
Dad: "Take her with you."
Me: "Mom and Jo (who is 12 years old)?"
Dad: "Sure, whatever. Just buy the tickets, I'll pay you back."

And thus began my week with Mom and Jo. I found out Thursday night, they arrived Saturday afternoon. Friday was a day of frantic cleaning (not that it did me any good as Jo went around taking pictures of the apartment after it got messy again, and with the closet doors deliberately opened so people could see "what my apartment *really* looked like.")


Luckily I now have both Tom's Wii and his XBox 360 at my apartment. I found that they are pretty useful in entertaining people when you're not around. My mother and Jo played Lego Star Wars on the xbox every morning (you could hear them shouting at each other from upstairs) and Jo and Tom played various Wii and xbox games every night. My favorite though, had to be the first night. They arrived at my apartment, I gave them the tour, and then Tom showed them how to play the Wii. And over the next few hours there was a lot of laughter, a lot of yelling, and even some glass breakage. (I was bowling, swung my arm up, completely shattered the top of a glass. Only the top though...didn't spill a drop of water. Skillz babay.)

The day after they arrived, I was on call and had to go to work at about 7 AM and arrived home after they went to bed. I told them how to get to the train station, and told them which stop to get off at to arrive in the city. Of course, they got lost going to the train, walked like 26 miles over the course of the day, but ended up seeing a lot of stuff. Not that that was much consolation to the sullen 12 year old with the tired little feet. They seemed to get around pretty well, and ended up having to spend a lot of time without me during their trip. They went to Salem, MA one day- Jo brought me back this badass souvenir (pic).


They went to the Science Museum, the USS Constitution, Quincy Market, Faneuil Hall, all over the place. They even hiked over to the Bunker Hill Monument. But I did have a couple days that I was able to spend with them. And of course, I wanted to spend those days showing them the best the city has to offer. I'm talking of course, about little blue penguins. We went to the aquarium on Monday and got to see them feed the little blues! A-dorable. Seriously. We were at the little talk that the keepers do and they were talking about how the African penguins will be extinct by 2040 (huh!??) and I got really worried about the lil' blues. According to the keepers, the lil' blues aren't even on the threatened list. Apparently everyone knows they're too adorable to eat. So, phew, no problems there.

Here's a note for people that live in Boston, or plan to visit. When you walk into the aquarium, and they make you take that stupid picture that they'll try to sell to you when you're walking out the door, finish and then take a left. I always try to get past that cameraman as quickly as I can. There's no sense in wasting paper and chemicals on a photo that I swear to you I will not pay $10 for. So, I rush past him and then walk straight into the aquarium to the right. Because of this, I've NEVER noticed that there is an entire exhibit area to the left of the cameraman. Right now they have a jellyfish exhibit that is totally awesome, and I would've missed it had my mother not needed to hit the restroom on the way out! That is poor signage on the part of the aquarium, but I prefer to blame the camera people. It's ridiculous.

The other day I had off I took them to Fenway Park, and walking through Boston Common and the Public Gardens. This was perhaps my favorite part about the trip. Why? I will tell you why. My mother has some kind of weird bird guano radar when she's on vacation. A couple years ago when we were on vacation, Mom was crapped on by a seagull at the zoo in Chicago. You may remember the famous photo. So, when we were in the public gardens and I sent Mom and Jo up on a bridge to take their picture, it kicked in again. Mom put her hand on a little-used section of railing. Perhaps it's little used because it is actually covered by a heaping pile of bird dung. In the picture at left, my mother's right hand is covered in bird crap and Jo can't stop laughing at her. We ended up walking under the bridge and pouring sprite all over Mom's hand to clean it. We later lost her in a 5 story Banana Republic where she tried to find a restroom to wash her hands. Everything's an adventure with these two. :-p

So, in the end they saw most of the city, and I got to hang out with them a grand total of two days of the seven they were here. It was a little crazy. But, I think we all had fun and that's what counts I guess. Well, that and the fact that you can't bring baseball bats on an airplane (even little souvenir ones wielded by 12 year old girls.) That is also important as my mother discovered on the way back. Hehe. :-p

The End.

PS- To my AOC readers: my mother doesn't know about my blog. Let's keep it that way. ;)

Many Happy Returns

As some of you may know, I went to a wedding in Philadelphia a week ago (Congrats Anonymous's!) My preparation for the trip was pretty sparse. I knew I needed a dress to wear, but I really didn't have time to go buy one. I finally went the day before the wedding to the mall and found a dress that I *loved.* It was black with blue flowers..or maybe it was blue with black flowers, but whatever. I really liked it, it was on the clearance rack, score. The only downside was that they didn't have it in my size. They had it two sizes bigger...which isn't really great when you're talking strapless dresses on a girl with not a lot to hold it up. So, they had the same style dress in my size, but different colors. A black and white dress with a different pattern. And it fit, but it wasn't that blue that I loved. So, I called Tom for an opinion: dress that I love that doesn't fit but doesn't look terribly big, or dress that I don't really care that much about but fits really well. Because the mall is like 2 miles from my house and the dresses were both on clearance, we decided I would buy them both, he would help me decide, and I would return the one I didn't want later. Seemed reasonable enough.

That night, I try them both on, and it's decided that the one that fits is really much better looking and will be a lot more comfortable for me because I won't have to pull it up all night. So, black and white dress it is. I decide to wash the dress that night because I'm not a huge fan of traipsing around in a dress that 50 other girls have had cinched around their midsection. So, I follow the laundering instructions for the cotton dress. Should be a breeze. I pull it out of the washing machine, and it has changed colors. It has gone from black and white, to gray all over. I have no time to buy another dress, so black and blue it is.

In the end it worked out because I loved the black and blue dress, but it did drive me crazy all night trying to make sure it stayed up. Also, Tom's tie that I'd picked out ended up matching my dress perfectly (although I'd chosen it when I was wearing the black and white dress) so everyone got to tease us all night for matching. :p (Photo stolen from Jenn.) So, that was good times as well. Anyway, wore the unwashed black and blue dress, danced, had a good time. Fully intended to return both dresses when I got home, because who needs a dress they can't clean? And who needs a dress that's two sizes too big? Not me.

So, yesterday I go to Macy's with my two dresses...neither of which still have the tags attached. I walk to the counter with the sign clearly displaying "Dresses for return must have tags still attached." I explain to the girl behind the counter that with one washing, my dress had gone from black and white to dingey gruel. She was appropriately shocked and went to get her manager to help me with my returns. And here's where it gets interesting. I tell her the situation, and she tells me "You shouldn't have washed it." Um..if I shouldn't wash it, then the tag shouldn't say to wash it in cold water with like colors. I tell her so. "I know it says you can wash it, but I wouldn't have." Apparently she had an aversion to clean clothes. In the end, she let me return both dresses tag-free while explaining to me how dresses shouldn't be washed. And I explained to her how important it is for me to not come in contact with other people's deodorant. In the end, we both got what we wanted. I got to wear a dress for free, and she got me to leave.

Yesterday I went to Target and bought Reese's Peanut Butter Pumpkins which turned out to be melted and misshapen. I plan to eat them all and then return the empty packaging. I figure I'm on a roll, right? :-p