In Case of Emergency

"Hello, you've reached the some transplant center in Canada. Our office hours are from 8 AM until 6 PM Monday through Friday. Please leave a message and someone will respond to your call during office hours. If this this an emergency, press 2."
*2*
"That is an invalid option. Our office hours are from 8 AM until 6 PM Monday through Friday. Please leave a message and someone will respond to your call during office hours. If this this an emergency, press 2."
*2*
"That is an invalid option. Our office hours are from 8 AM until 6 PM Monday through Friday. Please leave a message and someone will respond to your call during office hours. If this this an emergency, press 2."
*2*
"That is an invalid option...."
OH FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY!!

So, at 3 AM, I composed a short note to Canada.

Dear Canada,

I hate you. I hate that you don't have a national computer database for transplant patients, because it means I have to call and speak to people on the phone giving the same information over and over at the speed of snail drool because half of what I say doesn't make it through the translation anyway. I hate your menu options in French because let me tell you, after 24 hours, I start believing that I understand it and that just makes everything worse. Also half your menu options are invalid. WTF? I'm glad my liver wasn't exploding or something. Geez.

I hate the people that answer the phone and attempt to speak English to me- I don't know how to say alkaline phosphatase in French, and they don't know how to say it in English, and in the end I have to spell alkaline phosphatase, and at this point in the morning I can barely spell my own name. Also why the hell do you need liver numbers when I'm offering you a heart! (Probably because you have no idea what alk phos is.)

But most of all, I hate you for making me use a calling card after being awake for 24 hours and 3 cups of coffee. Do you have any idea how many times I had to hang up and start again? Dialing 34 digits consecutively is a bit of a challenge when looking at the phone makes you dizzy. How about investing in a little bit of technology?

And an English-French medical dictionary.

Just to reiterate-I hate you,
Sam