The Plot Against Me Thickens

So I received a brochure in the mail today. Addressed specifically to me. Not "Current Resident" or "Our Neighbor" or even to both of us. No. Addressed to me.

On the front it says, "Can we help with your Planning?" and this picture:

The subheading describes this patch of grass as "One of the most naturally beautiful settings in New England!" Nice try, Puritans.

So, I assumed it was a wedding brochure (Tip: never ever get a profile on TheKnot.com) Get married or have your reception in this big field! Something like that.

No.

Open the brochure, it's from "Puritan Lawn Memorial Park" and below is the subheading "If this arrives at a time of sickness or sorrow, please accept our sincerest apologies."

And then it goes on to outline my traditional and cremation planning options. And if I return the postage-paid info card, they'll send a complimentary guide for my survivors. Sooo, when the rocks finally get me, I'll have my arrangements all set.

I am 26 frakkin' years old. WTF.

Really Universe?

So this afternoon I went to pick up this hammock stand:

Whaaaaaaaaaaat??!???!!!

From a dude named Cesar that looked a lot like this:

So not kidding. Thank you Craigslist.

So I think we can all agree, my day was going pretty well. And then I drove home.

It's gorgeous out, not as warm as yesterday (86 degrees in April? Yes please.) but definitely nice enough to have the windows down. I have a ton of hair that is easily blown into knots, so I rarely have my window down further than an inch- as was the case today.

So I'm driving with my sunglasses on, I hear something like a rock hitting the windshield, and all of a sudden it feels as though the glasses have moved on my face. You know what happened?

A ROCK CAME IN THROUGH THE 1-INCH CRACK IN THE WINDOW, PLINKED ME IN THE FACE, AND BROKE MY SUNGLASSES!

Look at these things!!! That missing chunk could easily have been my forehead. Or cornea.

Seriously what the hell?! How does that happen?! I couldn't find the assassin rock, or the missing piece of plastic. I guess they both disintegrated. There's an entire windshield for minerals to target, but instead they choose my face. Either this kind of thing happens to everyone and I'm just better with documentation, or there's an entire Kingdom that is out to destroy me. So now I am without sunglasses (AKA much-needed armor for my eyeballs.)

I guess I'll be parking the hammock in the shade.