It Happened One Night

I got lost in a hospital. I left the floor with specific directions to the parking garage, but at 3:30 AM, I have the short-term memory of a fruitfly on amphetamines. I ended up walking to every floor in that hospital trying to find a bridge that would take me to the parking deck. Finally I give up and decide to just go outside and take the long way to the darkened parking lot. Sure, I'll probably get mugged, but on the upside, at this point I'm so tired I probably won't feel it.

Go to open the door, hey guess what?! The doors are locked. This is what happens in hospitals with children. They go into crisis lockdown mode every night. I understand you don't want your kids snatched, but I also do not want to die in a place where the walls are covered in clowns. After walking up and down the stairs finding neither a way out, nor a person to ask, I decide to stop and use one of the information telephones. There are two numbers that seem promising: security (because they usually show me around in hospitals where I'm lost) or assistance (which is probably manned by 100 year old volunteers and only during daylight hours.) I opt for security because I figure they'll be there.

*Ring*
Gruff security guy: "Emergency Line"
Me: "Oh, this is an emergency line?"
GSG: "Yes ma'am, what is your emergency?"
Me: "Oh, I'm sorry. Bye."

I hang up and try the assistance line. As I thought, they were nowhere to be found. So, I walked a couple more floors, still no parking deck. Actually strike that, I found no less than 2 doors that led to the deck, but they were both locked. So close, and yet so far away. By this point I could cry I am so tired and frustrated and hungry (oh yeah...I hadn't eaten anything all day...so my stomach was complaining almost as loudly as I was.)

I end up back on the floor with the phone.
*Ring*
GSG: "Emergency Line"
Me: "Hi...I called a few minutes ago? I changed my mind. It's kind of an emergency that I get out of this hospital before I start freaking out."
GSG: "Are you a patient?"
Me: "Oh, no. Not really freaking out. I was kidding. I work for [redacted] and just finished up but can't figure out how to get to the parking deck."
GSG sounding frustrated: "Where are you, ma'am?"

So, I finally escaped the confines of the hospital. Got lost (thanks for nothing Magellan) for 30 minutes in the city, and finally got home around 4:30 AM. At this point, my stomach is ready to break free and go hunt for food on its own because I'm definitely not cutting the mustard. I get home, brush my teeth, and realize that I've forgotten to eat. Sleeping is not an option since my stomach sounds like something out of Jurassic Park so I head back downstairs to the kitchen. What to eat, what to eat. I'm too lazy to cook anything, too lazy to prepare anything, and too lazy to microwave anything (not that I had anything microwaveable anyway.) In the end, I got a glass of tap water and a loaf of potato bread and went upstairs. I ate potato bread plain out of a plastic bag while lying in bed. Classy.

So, today I slept in as late as the masonry work in the basement would let me and later I'm going to dustbust my mattress. Woo!