The Oregon Trail

When I was in elementary school we went to the computer lab once a week. I'm not sure how long computer lab was- I had very little grasp of space and time when I was 8 years old- but I remember how awesome it was. You would go to the computer lab with some stupid assignment- type a letter to someone, or type a story, or choose the right answers on some stupid multiple choice quiz- and when you were done, you could choose a game to play while everyone else finished. The only problem was that the computer lab only had a limited number of floppy disks containing "The Oregon Trail."

4 in fact. 4 children of the roughly 25 in the class would have the opportunity to play "The Oregon Trail." Everyone else would be relegated to MathBlaster or something similarly lame and educational. I'm pretty sure the only things Oregon Trail ever taught me were:

1. It pays to do things quickly.
and
2. Cholera totally blows.

These facts have actually proven themselves through the course of my existence and education. You don't get to take naps at school unless you're an unusually fast test-taker (in which case your teachers encourage you to nap or go get a soda or something- this may only be in Alabama) and everything that I learned in public health points to the fact that yes- cholera really isn't pleasant.

So, when someone invited me to join their wagontrail on Facebook I thought- sweet! Oregon Trail! And I immediately signed on for the journey. But this isn't your 1989 floppy disk black and white version. It's all in color, and the oxen have faces....it's so not cool. I didn't even get to buy my own supplies for the trip.

When I was a kid, I *sucked* at Oregon Trail. It never failed that I would initially purchase nothing of any consequence for survival, the majority of my caravan would succumb to cholera, and the rest would die of starvation because when I was at the store I was saying things like "Seeds? What am I, a farmer? Hells no. I'm a pioneer." I didn't really understand that a pioneer *was* a farmer and not just some dude trying to make it to LA.

So, now I'm playing the modern version and I'm starting to realize the futility of the game. Up until now my wagon had been healthy and I'd just kept pressing on, occasionally hunting (which is monumentally easier with a mouse than it was with arrows and the space bar), and resting up. It's been kind of boring. All of a sudden I get the message that someone "Desperately Needs Water." I have 300 pounds of food, 28 rounds of ammunition and 800 bucks...but nary a drop to drink. In fact, there's no record of the water. So, I figure I can't do anything and continue on. We come to a river crossing and I assume that he'll stick his face in the water and we'll be set. I have no option to toss him in myself, so I just move through the river and continue on. Guess what? He's still dying of thirst. I've decided that if he crosses the Rio Grande and is too stupid to take a sip, it's not going to be a huge loss on my part. Mysteriously he recovers on his own 30 miles down the road.

So, I have full health and the weather changes every 15 miles from "snow" to "sweltering" to "hail" and I wonder how we haven't died in a tornado by now. All of a sudden, someone has cholera. I start having flashbacks.


















I'm going to be proactive. Have to avoid wagon epidemic. The question rapidly becomes, what do I do with her? Chances are she's going to pass it to someone else. So, I'd like to off her, or dump her in the woods. The only option the stupid modern-day game gives me is to eat her. First of all- eew. Second of all- really eew. Chick has cholera- why the heck would I want to eat her? Third- eating someone really opens the door for a whole host of new health problems. Like Kuru. Which basically turns your brain into a sponge.

















This new Oregon Trail game really sucks.